Do not take the bait: Psycholgical ambush lies in store

"Thank you for accepting my feedback and doing what I asked you to do.  So many swimmers do not."
-lifeguard at the downtown YMCA to me several years ago


Learn from my mistake(s).

You need to have an immediate awareness of when someone is starting to put the screws on you, i.e., putting pressure on you. And do something, not just sit there like a sitting duck.

(What does pressure feel like?   You start to feel a little dizzy.  The tightness in the eye area.  I'm not sure what the other signals are, because I'm still not very good at this!).

If you weren't expecting them to, you will not be prepared to play hardball with them.

At that point, pushing back or trying to defend yourself by as truthfully answering the questions as best as you can is of absolutely no use.  They don't respect your doing this.  In fact, it just hinders your ability to deal with the situation effectively.

This is the real world.  These people are not looking for enlightenment, get it?!

That is not where their minds and hearts are.

You're not playing the same "game."

Sincerity and the best of intentions will not move mountains of this kind.

What can you actually do?

You need to respond quickly, as they're coming at you rapid-fire to knock you off your balance.

You don't need to say a lot, either.

HERE IT IS (again):
Try memorizing it so that you don't have to struggle to find the words. That is not true and you know it.
I am not having this conversation with you.

Even if they say, "if we don't resolve this matter now, I will have to do X, Y, or Z."

If you are really feeling at a loss for words, JUST LEAVE.   No need to justify what you're doing.

Don't fight.  This is not about fighting.  This is about "the best defense is an offense."  They know they can lick your ass, which is exactly they want to provoke  you to fight!

It is difficult staying calm and being "nice" when the other party has turned into a wolf with a human face.  You need to leave.  No loss of face.
You are actually being stronger if you leave than if you stay there trying to fight a fight you're going to lose.

Some of us aren't good at it.   It's no shame to be unable to play hardball, or to play it badly.   You never learned how, that's O.K., even if you see it on television (I don't) or your friends do it.

A conversation, even one which is essentially lopsided because the other party is not interested in reaching a compromise but wants to dictate the terms under which they want you do behave, depends on having two parties.

Talk with the other party only if you really want to have this conversation.

I wanted to have a conversation with Klever because I was curious to know what she had to say to me.  She was also pressuring me to have it by emailing me over and over again ("What days and times are you available?").

If she wanted to have it that badly, I thought to myself, maybe I should talk to her even thought for a long that I had no real desire to talk her.  Shouldn't I give her, like people in general, the benefit of the doubt?

(This is part of why I found her frontal attack so revolting:  I was talking to her out of an impulse towards generosity--there's my Buddhist and Christian nature--and she simply saw it as the golden opportunity to really "get" me where she wanted).

The psychological ambush she had in store for me was that I had been led to believe that if I met with her I could avert her carrying out her threat of blocking my membership until she got back from vacation.

In fact, she was ready to do far more and actually wanted to pull out (1) a month-long termination; and (2) a "total" membership termination.

Never had I thought that she could or would do this.    She had to have at least a plausible reason for temination.  I don't use expletives in public.  I didn't think for an instant she would want to provoke or goad me into using one.

Furthermore, I had paid to the end of the month. Employees get two weeks' notice if they get terminated.  "This is the YMCA after all:  core values of honesty, respect, caring, and responsibility."

So I did let slip two expletives.

And I will repeat them here :

"[Cynthia Klever,]  You're a fucking white racist bitch."

Truer words were never said.
  
I don't think I've ever used these words with such utter sincerity.  I don't think I've called anyone this in decades.

And she took advantage of this as well.