"Ecce Ancilla Domini" (Dante Gabriel
Rosetti), Tate Gallery
Rosetti), Tate Gallery
In a way, this is much bigger than about what happened to me, one individual. It is a reflection of our society and what goes on in it, unacknowledged or minimized. Yes, what people entrusted in positions of authority at our leading charitable institutions do behind closed doors can be terrible.
Dear Sarah,
I wanted to say how much I appreciated your kindness and generosity towards during my time at the downtown YMCA.
I still sense a kindredship of spirit. I had been thinking earlier in the week of reaching out to you and say this, how you remind me in a way of Virginia Woolf or some pre-Raphaelite heroine.
Also I wanted to acknowledge the difficulty of the position--one not of your own choice--you were in yesterday morning. Even if most people would have found that Cynthia's questioning aggressive and relentless, and her chewing a large wad of gum in my face--highly inappropriate, I could not have expected you to "call" her on this as you did on me.
Even if you had not her expected to be so blatantly and smilingly contemptuous, there was little you could have done. I understand this well. I do not blame you.
Even if you had not her expected to be so blatantly and smilingly contemptuous, there was little you could have done. I understand this well. I do not blame you.
But you can understand I was disturbed by Cynthia's selective, distorted assemblage of "facts," e.g., that I had problems with male lifeguards; three out of the dozens of male lifeguards in the past; or out-and-out falsehoods, e.g. that I swam in the middle of the lane blocking or hitting other swimmers (for the past two years, swimming close to 9 hours a week, 48 weeks a year, I have had no issues--even if I had had, that would not be conclusive evidence evidence that I had been in "the wrong").
She even claimed that Clayton the lifeguard was autistic! This might be the first time in history then that an austistic person could speak as "normally" as Clayton does. Who knows how or what Cynthia was talking about. In any case, she didn't address most of the points they I was making in the "offending" email.
And perhaps you did not know that I have swum for the past 23 years straight, from Honolulu to Boston, from Evans Pool to Seattle U. without any of the problems Cynthia mentioned. And if you have asked the lifeguards, they would not have been able to corroborate Cynthia's version without compromising themselves.
Or that even though I may look in very good health from the outside that having serious chronic health issues and being in constant pain (like others), the downtown YMCA with its pool, exercise machines, and classes was my mainstay in a fight to move towards the light of the next morning (I can imagine Cynthia at this moment interrupting and saying, "Well, what light are you talking about. EXPLAIN. I don't understand...I'm waiting.")
I also made friends here. And she was taking it away from me with nary a shred of empathy.
But I think you probably know what Cynthia's real intentions all along were. I wonder to myself if you can say that they were honorable and just. To bring someone to their knees, figuratively speaking, of course, to get them to submit to Your will, in order to reach your organization's goal sounds too much like Guantanamo for me.
She even claimed that Clayton the lifeguard was autistic! This might be the first time in history then that an austistic person could speak as "normally" as Clayton does. Who knows how or what Cynthia was talking about. In any case, she didn't address most of the points they I was making in the "offending" email.
And perhaps you did not know that I have swum for the past 23 years straight, from Honolulu to Boston, from Evans Pool to Seattle U. without any of the problems Cynthia mentioned. And if you have asked the lifeguards, they would not have been able to corroborate Cynthia's version without compromising themselves.
Or that even though I may look in very good health from the outside that having serious chronic health issues and being in constant pain (like others), the downtown YMCA with its pool, exercise machines, and classes was my mainstay in a fight to move towards the light of the next morning (I can imagine Cynthia at this moment interrupting and saying, "Well, what light are you talking about. EXPLAIN. I don't understand...I'm waiting.")
I also made friends here. And she was taking it away from me with nary a shred of empathy.
But I think you probably know what Cynthia's real intentions all along were. I wonder to myself if you can say that they were honorable and just. To bring someone to their knees, figuratively speaking, of course, to get them to submit to Your will, in order to reach your organization's goal sounds too much like Guantanamo for me.
I was shocked by the false pretenses under which Cynthia had gotten me there here in office in the first place. It was not to exchange ideas, listen, or arrive at a middle ground, but, instead, to throw the book at me--even if those books had been cooked (in arsenic)--, goad me on, and deliver (an ultimatum).
It was not to "resolve the email," as I think she put it. The many points I had made in the email, including the allegations made against me for which I asking corroboration, never came up.
She was mentally geared up in "attack mode" even before I entered her office. Cynthia is a master tactician. I'm not sure,though, if she wouldn't make a better politician or, with her breezy manner, crackling laughter, and fondness for chewing gum, advertising executive.
It was not to "resolve the email," as I think she put it. The many points I had made in the email, including the allegations made against me for which I asking corroboration, never came up.
She was mentally geared up in "attack mode" even before I entered her office. Cynthia is a master tactician. I'm not sure,though, if she wouldn't make a better politician or, with her breezy manner, crackling laughter, and fondness for chewing gum, advertising executive.
I think you genuinely do have a heart. You understand how difficult it is for the psychologically fragile to survive in a world that is often dominated by bullies.
My words may count for little, I realize, for you as with most people. But if you care for people, for humanity, do not allow yourself to become like Cynthia Klever.
I got a glimpse of the true self behind her laughing demeanor, and it was, to be blunt, very disturbing. An extremely aggresive personality with the heart of a wolf.
The aggression that came out, on my part, was a natural reaction to without using a single word of profanity, the relentless, aggressive interrogation, a rapid-fire, non-stop blanket of factual distortions, one-sided accusations, scolding, and blame.
A psychological ambush.
I think you know well that what she was doing at the meeting and had been doing for months before it all along was building a case against me. It had nothing to do with "listening," "caring," "sharing," etc. to reach a fair resolution of the conflict, a middle ground.
Your job was to help her (build her case), although ostensibly it was to be third-party (neutral) observer.
You must admit that past the half-minute of preliminary niceties, she dove right in and started to jump all over me. She dropped any pretense of wanting to be fair ("the gloves came off" quickly and wanted a quick punch out, which, of course, she got).
"So what if you're old enough to be my father? What difference does that make?"
Obviously not to Cynthia. A little respect, sensitivity perhaps?
Maybe she thought that with you there she could have a field-day (which she did, in fact). With someone who could not throw back punches as hard as those she was throwing or as fast, either. (Maybe the difference did have to do with age. I tire much more easily than I did 30 years ago).
This was not a dialogue whose aim was to reach middle ground. It was a knock-out, where the loser did not even know he was going to play hardball (he half thought, foolishly, he would get understanding and real compassion, maybe even an apology).
"Ambushing the enemy" is a very effective tactic used in combat. Men don't like to cry. It is easier for them to curse, shout, drink, kill...
Will you believe that I never would have used those words unless I had been provoked to the breaking point? That the real reasons she terminated my membership lay elsewhere and were never honestly and openly put on the table?
A psychological ambush.
I think you know well that what she was doing at the meeting and had been doing for months before it all along was building a case against me. It had nothing to do with "listening," "caring," "sharing," etc. to reach a fair resolution of the conflict, a middle ground.
Your job was to help her (build her case), although ostensibly it was to be third-party (neutral) observer.
You must admit that past the half-minute of preliminary niceties, she dove right in and started to jump all over me. She dropped any pretense of wanting to be fair ("the gloves came off" quickly and wanted a quick punch out, which, of course, she got).
"So what if you're old enough to be my father? What difference does that make?"
Obviously not to Cynthia. A little respect, sensitivity perhaps?
Maybe she thought that with you there she could have a field-day (which she did, in fact). With someone who could not throw back punches as hard as those she was throwing or as fast, either. (Maybe the difference did have to do with age. I tire much more easily than I did 30 years ago).
This was not a dialogue whose aim was to reach middle ground. It was a knock-out, where the loser did not even know he was going to play hardball (he half thought, foolishly, he would get understanding and real compassion, maybe even an apology).
"Ambushing the enemy" is a very effective tactic used in combat. Men don't like to cry. It is easier for them to curse, shout, drink, kill...
Will you believe that I never would have used those words unless I had been provoked to the breaking point? That the real reasons she terminated my membership lay elsewhere and were never honestly and openly put on the table?
Is this playing "hard ball" (psychological warfare by any other name) a sport the YMCA champions?
I find it very hard to understand how using an insulting tone of voice and manner (no, I am not her student, nor her employee) and a familiarity that one would use towards a child is congruent with the values of the YMCA.
For her to so shamelessly and casually (still friends, aren't we?) pretend that she was championing the values of the YMCA was too much for me to take. Respect (for other people's boundaries)? Not engaging in provocation or aggressive behavior?
Yes, in my book, that makes her, as the 19th century perhaps would say, "not a lady" (well, then, perhaps a scoundrel), and the 21st century, a "b----").
It is one thing for the downtown YMCA to make a minimal, half-hearted attempt to confront the bullying that happens in its midst, as when other members, bigger or more "popular" have bullied and/or abused me, it is totally another for the person acting as the head of the organization engages in bullying behavior and then accuses the one she has bullied of not acting in accordance with the values of the organization.
What is "bullying"?
Bullying is the use of force, threat, orcoercion to abuse, intimidate, or aggressively dominate others. The behavior is often repeated and habitual. One essential prerequisite is the perception, by the bully or by others, of an imbalance of social or physical power, which distinguishes bullying from conflict.
(Wikipedia)
I gave her the benefit of the doubt even before I walked into her door, at the same time I was uncertain of what to expect from a person who was only a smiling facade. As she began turning the screws, I tried my best to stand up to someone I should never have tried to because her rules of conduct were the same as mine. At the very least I like to think that the rules I try to adhere to are more humane than the rules of conduct she "plays" by.
I cannot see how you can in all honesty not say based on what you observed that she was not bullying me. My attempts to parry were, I think you'll agree, for the most part "pathetic."
("Play" is a good word, because she smiles so much).
Is it that "Do not be hypocritical" is my hitherto unverbalized 11th commandment?
As a child, I recall crying quietly alone to myself, "I will take on the bullies, those stronger."
The Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
As you can see, I play it very poorly.
But if I had to use foul language--and I think I was backed into a corner from which it would have been difficult but not impossible to extricate myself from, I am glad it, at least, that it was directed towards Cynthia Kleever, whose goals may or may not be genuinely humane (I think not, her ego seems outsized) but whose tactics are callous, ruthless, intentionally inspire fear, and strip people of their dignity.
Why? Because she was playing the bully, although I am uncertain whether she is (1) aware of it, or (2) even cares.
"I have been subjected to bullying all my life."
-- "We understand all about that. And we had Sarah help you deal with that."* (Cynthia)
Treating decent, law-abiding, longstanding members like criminals, when in fact you have criminals right in your very midst, is not such a wise idea ("Your membership is terminated. You must get your things and leave the YMCA right now. Sarah, escort him out").
If you were director, I think you might understand this as you have a sensitivity that a person like Cynthia will unlikely acquire the whole of her life.
If you were director, I think you might understand this as you have a sensitivity that a person like Cynthia will unlikely acquire the whole of her life.
No one can accuse me of less than honesty, and I truly believe that, in the long run (even if it's after we're dead) that the truth does have a chance of coming out and that truth in itself is its own reward, despite the pain and trials that may accompany it.
There is a joy and a peace in telling the truth.
There is a joy and a peace in telling the truth.
I would rather live in my dreams, my ideal world. But it is not possible.
I don't like having to defend myself. It is hard work. It is unpleasant. It requires stamina and courage to not others step on you. And often they do it when they are bigger or more powerful than you. When others are not doing their job or being disrespectful to me for whatever reason, I will say something, even if that means I get attacked. We only have rights insofar as we fight for them, as this a rough-and-tumble world.
And as I told Cynthia Klever directly to her face, she truly is, using the accepted vernacular langua franca of our time, a "f--- r--- w--- b---." In other words, a person of little integrity who violates basic rules of human conduct.
In her case, she was misuing her position as director of the downtown YMCA and telling half-truths and/or lies to steamroll me and arrive at her ends. She didn't seem to give a damn that she was distorting the the facts to invent a scenario about me she had put together. It was shocking to me.
Does the "real world" operate according to these unwritten "rules"? Is our society built only or mostly on lies, half-truths, and appearances? Is the United States really this free, happy, ethical society or one really based instead on a struggle for power, position, prestige, and material wealth, with "ethics" being simply the "rules of the game" to acquire those things? Was I so naive to believe otherwise? That the rules included not pushing people aside (as long as the law says you did not commit a crime) when they are "in your way"?
Cynthia Klever and the downtown YMCA: A lesson in 'The way of the world'
I would have wanted to ask the director of the downtown Seattle YMCA on Wednesday, July 7, 2015 the following questions, now that I know her beter. Since I can't now, I will do so in writing here:
"Cynthia, (very confidentially) if someone does something you don't like or says something about you that, though true, you don't like, or if you despise someone, or wants what you want, and there is only one of it, or does something, whatever it is, that "offends you, do you usually think about whether it's worth your time to consider thinking of a way to "frame" them?" Do you keep your word especially or only with people who are important to you?"
I am wondering the following:
When someone lies about you without concern about whether that hurts you, you are violated.
When you do that to another, you violate another person.
I have not lied. For what it is worth.
The truth stands, whatever others believe or whether they know it.
Being able to tell the truth is liberating. But I realize not everyone wants to hear it. Most people prefer to joke, make small talk, and be consumers. It is great that the downtown Y supports so many homeless and low-income people. But I think there are other ways of caring and giving as well: to those who may be materially somewhat better off but may still need support and encouragement on their own journeys towards healing.
Our real allies, not to be confused with professional or business ones in life, help us find who are truest selves are. Even if they cannot always be there for us, or even fail us on occasion, they have had the deep desire to see us take that next step with honor, dignity, and courage.
This message has undoubtedly gone on too long and bored you. My sincere apologies if it has.
But perhaps there may be some value, no matter how miniscule, in sharing it with you.
Our real allies, not to be confused with professional or business ones in life, help us find who are truest selves are. Even if they cannot always be there for us, or even fail us on occasion, they have had the deep desire to see us take that next step with honor, dignity, and courage.
This message has undoubtedly gone on too long and bored you. My sincere apologies if it has.
But perhaps there may be some value, no matter how miniscule, in sharing it with you.
May I have the courage and determination to tell the truth so that it may benefit other human and sentient beings.
*[once]. John was as good as his word. A month or two after he gave his word, he began to accost me again, leering/jeering at the YMCA. I had other people explode in my face as well; Y staff response was, at best, tepid: "Oh? Another incident?!"
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